James Cooke- The Life Story Part 1

Not So Long Ago But In A Galaxy Far Far Away. ...............................................................................
................................James Cooke IS BORN !!!!!!!!!

On a small moon called Endor a ceremony 5000 years old is about to be performed, by the local teddy bear tribe known as the Ewoks. The tallest male and female within the tribe will mate and then wait 9 months.

9 months later a baby Ewok is born, instantly it is shaved and covered in a special cream (usually found in Boots) to stop to much of the hair ever growing back again . With the new child looking vaguely human it is sent across the galaxy to find a new home. This particular infant found its way to earth just over 21 years ago. At this very moment mummy Cooke was giving birth to her first baby boy. As soon as the child was born it was magically replaced by the Ewok infant, and the James Cooke that could have been was taken back to Endor to be raised as a God.

The Ewok child would never know of his true heritage and his new adopted family would never know he was not there son. He was to be raised as one of them and he would take on the title of James Cooke. The beginning of his story is most amazing but it is insignificant compared to the rest of his life and the adventures he would encounter.

James was implanted with a thirst for learning self defence and skills that would be useful if his new world in case the planet was hostel but luckily being part Ewok and looking cute was the best defence he would ever need. As James grew he considered mastering many styles of combat but it wasn't until he first laid eyes on the profesional world of wrestling that he knew what he wanted to train in. It's not sure what attracted James to this combat style it might have been the skin tight Lycra costumes or the heavily gay undertones but either way he was hooked.

Night and day the young Ewok boy practised, usually fighting as many as 7 pillows at a time but his skills kept growing until it was time to find a costume and a name that best suited him. Having always felt different and a little more wild in nature then those around him there was only one wrestling name he could have chosen 'The Cookie Monster' he would dress all in blue and put blue fur over hi face to disguise his true identity. This new look lasted only a matter of days until sadly a group of very well paid lawyers representing Sesame Street called for James to stop this at once. Although James had the disguise he only stopped crime on his street and all his neighbours would watch him walk home after his heroic events. James had learnt a valuable lesson that day, but his longing to do good for people did not die it simply intensified and James knew what he had to do, he had to get a job in retail.

In part two we find out about James work in retail, his relationship with Stacey and his new ambition to teach.

No its not time to get a 3D T.V.

One ad, one T.V. ad shown in 3D telling you to get a 3D T.V. So that you can enjoy said ad in 3D. If there are any idiots out there buying there 3D telly as they read this, stop and think. Your about to buy a 3D telly on the understanding that you cab see one ad properly. I mean if you have been watching 3D movies in the cinema recently you have probably come to the same conclusion I have. 90% of these 3D films are shit. I've said it before and I'll say it again the only decent £d film I've seen has been Avatar and I'm not getting a 3D T.V. for one film. So please do the right thing and wait. Wait for about 4 years.

While I'm being pissed off with advertising I should really have a go at a few others. Like the McDonald's ad's going around the ones with the shitty poetry. Poetry should be an expression of self it should not be used for selling Big Macs. Every time that man who wrote that gets his pay a part of his soul must die, all his other work should feel cheap and rushed. Fuck it any poetry used for selling anything should be banned.

An ad I don't hate but just don't understand is for a lady's shaver the Gillette Venus one. I'm not sure that shaving your legs should make you life more worth while. I mean are all girls stuck at home not going out because they haven't shaved there legs? If this is you, if you cant live your life if you have slight stubble on your legs I would be very very worried. Also some of those ads seams to be, well sexy. I mean they are girls running about in bathing suits and playing around. I understand that sex sales but who is the sex in these ads aimed at? Is it the guy in the girls life and they hope he buys it for them. Is it the woman this product is based at ? The same woman who probably doesn't look a thing like the girl in the ad, and if that's the case any shaver will do. Or maybe its based at lesbian woman? The kind of woman who will be thinking of the hot woman in the ad, of course ironically in my experience the lesbian type are the least likely to use the product anyway, i mean who needs to show of your legs if all you do is wear jeans?

Another issues I have is ads making light of all these woman issues. I mean these woman that seem to be having serious stomach issues. Every other ad shows woman that have either diarrhea or having trouble pooing. Is this an actual issue that you don't want to share with men. I mean are these ads aimed at woman on the go for a reason, have you tried eating more fiber? I know its disgusting bringing this up but these ads do leave me confused.

In general I hate all ads and I cant risk talking about those go compare ads as i would run out of swear words and the only way to do justice to the way I feel about it would be to slowly rip out my own stomach and to then strangle myself with my entrails. But there are at least two ads I like and I will happily post links to them.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ANzDO9ZqppY
This ad is just comical gold

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WAk77Kr_OwQ
And ths ad does is also brilliant

Woringly There are six Kims on the bench

Sorry folks its world cup time again, it happens once every four years but we spend all our lives talking about it. Just to disappoint most of you, I don't want England to win. I really don't want England to win. Let me explain why. About 500 years ago England won the world cup. Yay. That should mean a month of partying and a maximum of four years of gloating. But it didn't stop there, in fact it just seemed to get worse. People that weren't even alive at the time of this event started to consider it the most important moment of their lives. We just couldn't move past it. We tried to, we started winning other events in Rugby and Cricket but it wasn't enough. Every seven seconds someone in England would have to declare that we had won the world cup and we should all be happy about this fact. Please don't get me wrong I want England to do well, I want England to get past the first stage and really be praised for how well they played. But please don't let them win.

I can picture the scene now after England managing to get in to the final. The whole country coming to a complete stop, all the emergency services pretending to be busy. The whistle blows and England have won with out the need for penalties and England goes crazy. The madness should last a night, but due to the fact that most people from England have nothing to celebrate in our pointless little lives in keeps going. One day of alcohol fueled partying soon drifts in to a month. Considering the fact that everyone is involved including like I said all the emergency services the violence and accidental deaths keep mounting up. The dead start to litter the streets and the living don't care, illness and and partying fatigue start to destroy the remaining people and news starts to spread that Scotland has invaded. Within two months England is no more and has now become the United Scottish Land and haggis becomes our national dish. Of course we wont care as we won the world cup.

While I'm bitching about England I feel I should mention our incredibly boring flag.

Just look at it, it looks like it was designed by an idiot that had the smallest amount of red paint. The only way this could be more dull is if it was just one line. If you need inspiration about what a flag should look like check out the Welsh flag, it has a fucking dragon on it. Or the Mozambique flag which if you don't know has an AK-47 on it. I mean just as an idea we could have a real serious competition to decide upon a new flag, I think Maybe we could have the queen kitted out in full armour on top of a horse charging towards the Balrog from the Lord of the Rings film. Just an idea but I think it would make the rest of the world see us in a new light.

Twins - One is always Evil

I've had a good week. I know its rare for me to start of a blog this way but it has been fun. I've been a super cool spy during most of my days, playing a game called Splinter Cell: Conviction. I came a way very impressed with my self after completing it on it hardest setting, can you say that? well can you? I didn't think so. I've been out clothes shopping with gayest straight guy I know. I swear he went out looking for some shoes that would work with one of his belts, just one of his belts. I would have teased him about it at the time but he talked me in to buying some trainers that went well with shirt I own, so I don't know what that says about me.

So clothing brought time to catch up with another friend of mine, a female. She writes a blog on here as well if you fancy a read it can be found at http://fuckingfruitcake.blogspot.com/ . She is an interesting woman with crazy ideas about how meat is murder and being a vegan is the way forward. Also she is a feminist and I just think that's adorable. Joking aside though it was a beautiful sunny day we spent sitting in Tunbridge Wells chatting. We eventually got lunch from the fancy and over priced Cornish pasty place. Where we bumped in to an old friend we both worked with, all in all another great day.

Not a lot happened for a few days then i got what has become the best phone call of the year so far. My friend Neil inviting me to my first BBQ of the year. I knew it was going to be a good night from the beginning as instantly I was greeted with a margarita from Neils lodger/girlfriend Vicky. It was only a small gathering but that didn't take anything away from the evening as far as I was concerned. Just the four of us Neil, Vicky, Gillian ( Vicky's identical twin sister ) and myself. Now it didn't ruin the BBQ but it didn't help that Neil is a professional chef. I am not use to professional chefs cooking BBQ for me. I'm use to cooking the food till it is burnt, I am not use to being asked how I want my burger cooked. Still food was amazing and the booze kept flowing. We played silly drinking games that left me making a fool out of myself, but on the plus side I didn't have to stand on a chair every five minuets to sing Britney Spears songs unlike Neil.

The night wasn't all magical as bed time rolled around and there wasn't enough beds to go round. Being a gentleman I didn't stop Gill from taking the only bed and I settled in for a night on the couch, the leather couch. It was a pretty hot and clammy night and my body type mixed with the leather was not a good mix. I managed a good two hours of sleep but I wasn't to bitter, well not until every one else woke up and happily told me how wonderfully they had slept, but I wouldn't have changed anything. Cheers guys xoxoxoxo .

On the 8th day God created a parody of his work and it went straight to DVD

Stupid Stagevu. Its been about a month now and still not fixed. For those of you not in the know Stagevu is a film viewing website and for the most part is the site I use to watch movies and T.V. shows. For some unknown reason they have not been able to have any new uploads for about a month which is why I've been forced to use some less respectable film viewing web sites. The kind of site that suggest you try adult friend finder every ten seconds. But that's not really my issue, that's just an inconvenience. My issue today is parody's.

You can probably think of a good few like Austin Powers or family guys take on star wars. But for every acceptable parody there are a thousand films so bad they don't justify there existence, or even the existence of the person that pitched it. Take the Scary Movie franchise, I should start by letting you know I don't hate them, well except the second one anyway. For the most part they are funny, there I said it. As an example when they made the fourth film there tag line was ' The fourth film in the trilogy' its stupid but it made me giggle. Scary movie is what happened just before parody got out of control.

Now we have utter shit like Date movie, Epic movie, Meet the Spartans and now the worst film ever made which I will never see The 41 Year Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It. I did not make up that last one, honestly it exists. How lacking in any originality do you have to be to base your entire movie around the works of other film makers. In all honesty it makes me a little angry as even making a cheap film is expensive. There is a good chance that any film you have ever seen cost more to make then you will ever make in your life, even if it went straight to DVD or it was made for T.V. Imagine what good couldn't have been done to the world instead of making them. Third world debt could have been paid off by now instead of making those shit films, or at least we could have found a cure for aids.

The sad truth is one mans Pirates of the Caribbean: Curse of the black pearl is another mans All the rest of that film franchise. Those pointless films will continue to make money until we can properly educate the young as lets face it only the really fucking stupid want to watch a film called The 41 Year Old Virgin Who Knocked Up Sarah Marshall and Felt Superbad About It.

Time to get back on the horse, the horse being Sarah Jessica Parker

So I've been a bit down recently, I've had my reasons all a bit irrelevant now but I am back, whats made me happy? For starters the sun is shining again plus I've been out clothes shopping so I'm looking good. So what shall I talk about? I could bring up the shootings that happened today but it's to soon. I could let you all know that I recently found out that cardigans are made from the fur of a rare bat found only in northern Europe. But I think I'm going to talk about cowboys.

Cowboys are the new black, they are the new pirate and the new vampire all rolled in to one. Its difficult to make cowboys shit. It was difficult to make vampires shit as well but American film makers found a way and don't get me started on pirates. So why the big love going out to cowboys? 3 words. RED DEAD REDEMPTION. To be honest almost all cowboy films I've seen in the last 20 years have been pretty good. So imagine being able to play out your favourite moment from those films in a game, this is what red dead redemption does, it lets you be the cowboy. If you don't own a mans game console like a ps3 or an xbox 360 i could safely say its worth getting one just to experience this game. While you have that console maybe play GTA 4 as well.

I dread to think what would happen if game developers tried to make a game about the twilight series. I imagine it would feature misunderstood teenagers that can't get over there first ever broken heart, who probably just act stupid and miserable all the time. Every sunny day your weird vampire mate would look like he was used as a towel to clean up a wanking competition. I get that I'm being unfair on twilight, I know it was meant to be viewed by girls, but it does wind me up a little that they don't seem to realize how stupid it is.

Any way I feel I shouldn't finish with out saying a little bit about sex in the city 2, i haven't seen it I don't think i ever will, people know my views on the first one. The real reason i wont be watching SITC 2 is because of the terrible trailer, all trailers should try and show some of the best parts of a movie and use that as it selling point. All I saw in the SITC trailer was woman walking around in clothes, nice clothes I suppose and a woman falling of a camel not exactly comedy gold.