James Cooke - Part 2

James Cooke - Episode 2
The Revenge Of Stacey
(Please be warned the next few paragraphs are very Anti- Stacey Hammond I swear this is simply for comic affect as we all know Stacey would not harm a fly)

She was born on the coldest night of the decade, while an evil red moon shone down on her. No animal could be heard for miles around her and all in her presents felt a cold tingle run down there spine. The child did not cry when first born and no doctor or midwife would dare slap her to induce tears. She knew her purpose on this earth and that purpose was to bring destruction to the world. There have been many rumours about her true origins, some say she is the daughter of the devil others say that she is simply a walking advertisement for safe sex but all agree that some things should not be brought in to the world. She is Stacey Hammond, she is the opposite of James Cooke.

Stacey had a normal enough childhood, if by normal you mean the ritualistic slaying of missing children and dogs. But never cats, she liked cats and they liked her as both had a Kean interest in the slow destruction of there prey. Stacey was smart, not book smart or street smart but very smart in the ways of inducing pain and misery and she did both with the greatest of ease. Her evil surely would have consumed the world if not for a chance encounter with one Mr James Cooke.

The story behind these two meeting has been lost and that remains is myth and rumour, what we know for sure is that there was a battle involved a lot like the main battle in the third part of the lord of the rings film, you know the one, the one inside and outside of Minas Tirith, you know the one it had all the orcs and the elephants and then the dude who was all evil got stabbed in the head and he died and he was killed by that blond chick, you know the one it had all the ghosts and the dwarf had started to loose his comical charm and just become a bit annoying which is very unlike the books as he always stayed interesting in them, you do know what I'm talking about don't you? Anyway it was a lot like that. After this chaotic adventure and as soon as Stacey first laid eyes on James she stoped with all her evil ways and decided to dedicate herself mostly to him (for legal reasons I must say mostly as it is well known that Stacey really loves the dark meat if you know what i mean and is often found shaking her booty to all the boys at the Notting Hill carnival, James has accepted that some things cant be changed and loves her anyway).

With there love confirmed Stacey was able to put aside her plans of world destruction and concentrate on making James happy, in a crazy twist Stacey even gave up meat as before she had been seen eating cows before they had been killed. Stacey and James became the perfect couple and they would remain very happy together.

With the world safe they both decided it was time to find new careers and Woolworths was calling (woolies to its friends). Both had a natural affiliation to retail work what with James being cute and help full and Stacey being still slightly evil they found the work easy to get on with. It was at this time they both met a man that would get to know them so well that he would be able to write this totally fictional blog about them. It was one Mr Jonathan Archabled Lancelot Romeo David Budworth, a man described by some as a person with a demi-god like look to him and by most as a fat lazy bullshitter. This man, this legend would gain the pairs full trust and then share all of the secrets he had learnt about them in a blog read by at least four people. I could go on for chapters and chapters about this man-god Mr Budworth but it would all be pointless as his stories are so incredible you may not truly ever believe them. What we can confirm though is that he was the first ever person to have both chili sauce and garlic sauce on a kebab.

For a few years we all worked together happily and we met many other great people all with there own stories of interest but none as interesting as the story of Mr James Cooke so lets not even bother talking about them. The problem James found at Woolies is that although he was really really smart everyone else was really really stupid, there had to be a way to make people as smart as him and that's when he had the great idea to become a teacher and to truly become a hero to the world. James handed in his notice and as he did that the company Woolworths (or Woolies to its friends) went under. Sure James could have stayed and kept the company going but he had to change the world and if destroying woolies meant he could do this then it was a risk he would have to take. So ends part two of the story of James Cooke in part 3 we learn about the troubling part time job at Blockbuster and the hassles to become a teacher to the planet.

Again a quick apology to the very lovely and beautiful Stacey Hammond who has always been a pleasure to know, all of this was said in jest and is not to be taken seriously with exception for her love of dark skinned men and the eating still alive cows.

The Royal Wedding and Other Pointless Current Events

Wow what a day, Osama Bin Laden has been shot dead in his home all across America people are dancing in the street singing praises to America and stating how justice has been done. That's right justice is attacking a man/evil monster in the middle of the night and shooting him dead with three other people. I don't know what I expected I just know I really wanted a court case, it would have been mental to see and the greatest thing ever since sliced bread. I don't blame the probable kill order given to the U.S. soldiers as I can only assume they came under some fire and I would rather hear of Bin Laden death then of another soldier. I'll never defend the monster but I cant as a rational human being defend the idea that justice should be carried out with a hit squad.

Apparently two people got married the other day and we all made a pointlessly big deal about an issue that really is so irrelevant its not even worth mentioning, but fuck it I have an opinion so I'll carry on typing. This event DOES NOT MAKE ME PROUD TO BE BRITISH , why would it? If on there way out they revealed that the royals had been working on a cure to all illness and it was now time to reveal the results, then I would be proud, they didn't. At best they made some real idiots very happy. By idiots I mean anyone that lost sleep for this event. People have all ready been over analysing every event and it makes me bored and feel depressed. My end point is that no life defining moment for so many people should have been pre arranged unless its earths first contact with aliens.

No to Known AV, or how I learned to stop being treated like an idiot by anti-AV supporters. AV also known as the alternative vote system is not complicated, not really not compared to say the plot of Inception. The easiest comparison I can think of is say that of the voting for x-factor or big brother. There isn't one round, if the person you wanted to stay in gets kicked out you can change your preference and keep voting, of course there is a real chance this is just to make more money from you but that's not the issue here. So you wanted Jeff B to win but he got kicked out, but that's OK because Jenny J was your second choice so no real hassle and the game continues. Yeah this is a dumbed down version and I doubt it really answers all your questions, but go do some research if your still lost. My problem is not the AV system , my problem is the two biggest reasons anti AV groups are using. The first being its complicated and you wont be able to get your pretty little head around it. The second is its expensive, but I promise you its not half as expensive as the advertising costs that the anti groups are pumping in to getting there point across. I don't care which way you vote, its your choice, just don't vote one way because your worried about how stupid you are. Just as an end note change is the best thing to happen to our voting system this is constantly proven with all the changes that have happened in the past, first the right for all people from all wealth backgrounds to have the vote, then woman then any ethnic groups, which leads us all to be a fairer better race.

A piss poor Blog, written so that I dont feel bad about not writing anything in a while.

So here are some things people should know about me but probably don't.

1: Although I have real issue with all organised religion (with the exception of Buddhism) I do believe in a "God" like entity. I say God like entity as I don't call it God for a reason and that is that it might not be its name. Plus It probably is not watching down from on high judging us and fucking up our days with poor weather. If anything it was just around first and kind of guided our growth as a race.

2. I believe in an afterlife. If your truly an atheist and your reading this with the idea that this one life is all you have and once it ends that's the end of you, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? So there is nothing after this, you get drunk every weekend then you go to work Monday through to Friday while you save up for your mortgage in the vain hope that you can retire at 64 and live out the rest of your misserable lives watching day time T.V. How is that taking advantage of your one life? In fact thats just living a piss poor existence. Don't get me wrong I'm not judging you really as I'm not even living an existence as good as that, but at least I might have a safety blanket with the idea of either reincarnation or the afterlife, either will do I'm not fussed.

3. I don't get football. Well I don't really get the idea of getting passionate about watching any sport. Playing sport is fun, watching and getting aggressive about a result is a little retarded, unless you have a financial gain from the your team winning. Seriously though every time I hear an idiot state that there teams victory on a certain day was the happiest of there lives it makes me feel angry and very very sad for there children , who now know that the day they where born was not the happiest day of there dad's life. Again I watch match of the day every now and again, I also pretend to support a Arsenal but mostly just to wind up other football fans.

4. I read graphic novels more then I read books. But at least I read so fuck off.

5. I own to many films, both porn and normal. I know what your thinking, your thinking you can never own to much porn or any other films. But you can, you easily can and in this world or movies being at the click of a button do we really need to own films any more? I still have the porn for the big reason of how the fuck do you get rid of it, seriously. EBay wont let me sell it and I would be to embarrassed to just throw it away in case I got caught.

6. I'm getting really old now. Yeah I know I'm not even 30 yet but after a night out drinking my body feels like death for about 3 days. I'm not even talking about getting proper drunk, I'm just talking about a few beers with the boys to the point of getting a bit woozy.

7. I strongly believe that all intolerance comes partly from lack of understanding but mostly from stupidity. This goes for homophobia and racism, you fucking idiot. You get very confused by the difference between immigrants and and illegal immigrants and the fact is you have probably never meet an illegal immigrant so keep your mouth shut.

8. I am a terrible human being. A lot of my friends tell me I'm to harsh on myself but its for a good reason. I don't look after myself so in turn don't really look after those I'm close to. I'm make terrible jokes about other peoples misfortune. Everyone and everything annoys me, well not all the time but at least once and that goes for all of you. Even if i have never met you at least at one point you have pissed me off. But I imagine everyone feels that way.

9. I'm not jealous of your success I just don't want to hear about it. You tell me you have done well at something I'm happy for you, honestly I am. But if someone introduces them self with a list of there accomplishments then they can go to hell. "hi I'm Steve and I'm the youngest area manager in my company" my response is "Hi I'm Jon i bet i can eat a whole pizza before you". This is why I don't care who wins The Apprentice, all of them just seem to be pretentious cunts.

There is more but I'm really tired after having some drinks 2 nights a go some I'm going to go back to bed.

McDonalds will change your life, I promise

My day started as normal waking up an hour before i needed to and feeling very pissed off about it. After checking my e-mail then playing Bejeweled on facebook for a while It was time to wake up and start the day. My boss text me asking me to start as early as I could, I text back saying I had missed the first bus but as soon as I could get there I would. Skip forward half an hour, I'm waiting for the bus and oddly it arrives on time not the customary 10 minuets late. The journey is a standard affair and I get in to Tonbridge 25 minuets later. This is when I found out McDonald's can seriously affect your life.

If you have never had a McDonald's breakfast, please put aside your fear and doubt and just dive in as they can be delicious, granted they can also be disgusting but somethings are worth the risk. I order my usual a double sausage and egg Mcmuffin meal with a hot chocolate drink. All the meal comes to me quickly as you would expect from a fast food chain except the hash brown. Due to the smallest miscommunication they where not put in to the friar so I have to wait about a minuet the food comes to me and I go. I walk to the station and miss my train by 30 seconds.

Not to worry the next train will be there in 5 minuets, but watch out I forget that days that have the letter Y in them will always cause south eastern to have issues and my next train is delayed by 10 minuets. I sit at the station and eat my breakfast, I sit and wonder that this could be the defining moment of my life, simply because some guy forgot to put the hash browns in. I get to work late and the day is pretty shit, we are under staffed due to illness and the manager gets about half a second to himself , plus there is always the issue that I work in Tunbridge Wells and the average customer is a bit of a twat except for when the legend Tom Baker came in but that's only happened the once. So the day was not great and pretty stressful on the plus side it was probably the best McDonald's breakfast I've ever had.

Head phones are natures invisibility cloaks

Cinema time again and today was the time for Tron Legacy. If you wanted a one word review its Murghh, the first act is good enough and suggest alot of potential but it quickly drifts in to mediocrity, shame really. As for the 3D I still found myself dissapointed as with all 3D films i've seen in the cinema (apart from Avatar) the best parts seem to be the trailers for other movies. All round bit of a let down. I have to wonder why it is that my two favourite movies of 2010 I didnt see in the cinema, the amazingly funny The Other guys and the beautifuly odd Scott Pillgrim yet I manage to make time to see these easily forgetable movies. O well.

The title from this blog comes from some wonderful observations over the years and that is that with head phones in your ears people speak freely around you and 99% of the time they leave you alone. So even if your not actually listening to anything people will assume you are and feel very happy to talk about there possible pregnancy from a one night stand. Its fun what you can over hear, you can also listen in to idiots chatting about stupid things. Here is one conversation I was lucky enough to over hear. Three men stand at a bus stop and they quickly establish themself as being unemployed mostly doe to the fact that they have combined IQ of a field mouse and partly because they are disscusng there last trip to the job centre. The leader of the pack starts perking up about how the unemployed arent the real issue costing this country millions and its mostly down to Brussels taking a million pounds a day, wonderfully idiot two asks if Brussels is in England. to which idiot one replies ofcourse its not, its in Europe in Germany. I think this conversation can't get any better untill idiot one perks again saying what was the point in winning world war two just so we have to pay the germans a million pounds a day. This whole time idiot three stares out with a blank look on his face which suggested to me that even this retarded conversation was way to deep for him and that he really wanted to get back home to ITV 1, a TV channel for idiots. You may have guessed already that this all took place in Tonbridge, Kent. A place recently described as Englands fourth greyest town.

Well thats all I can be bothered to write, go away.