Wednesday 22 June 2011

James Cooke - Part 2

James Cooke - Episode 2
The Revenge Of Stacey
(Please be warned the next few paragraphs are very Anti- Stacey Hammond I swear this is simply for comic affect as we all know Stacey would not harm a fly)

She was born on the coldest night of the decade, while an evil red moon shone down on her. No animal could be heard for miles around her and all in her presents felt a cold tingle run down there spine. The child did not cry when first born and no doctor or midwife would dare slap her to induce tears. She knew her purpose on this earth and that purpose was to bring destruction to the world. There have been many rumours about her true origins, some say she is the daughter of the devil others say that she is simply a walking advertisement for safe sex but all agree that some things should not be brought in to the world. She is Stacey Hammond, she is the opposite of James Cooke.

Stacey had a normal enough childhood, if by normal you mean the ritualistic slaying of missing children and dogs. But never cats, she liked cats and they liked her as both had a Kean interest in the slow destruction of there prey. Stacey was smart, not book smart or street smart but very smart in the ways of inducing pain and misery and she did both with the greatest of ease. Her evil surely would have consumed the world if not for a chance encounter with one Mr James Cooke.

The story behind these two meeting has been lost and that remains is myth and rumour, what we know for sure is that there was a battle involved a lot like the main battle in the third part of the lord of the rings film, you know the one, the one inside and outside of Minas Tirith, you know the one it had all the orcs and the elephants and then the dude who was all evil got stabbed in the head and he died and he was killed by that blond chick, you know the one it had all the ghosts and the dwarf had started to loose his comical charm and just become a bit annoying which is very unlike the books as he always stayed interesting in them, you do know what I'm talking about don't you? Anyway it was a lot like that. After this chaotic adventure and as soon as Stacey first laid eyes on James she stoped with all her evil ways and decided to dedicate herself mostly to him (for legal reasons I must say mostly as it is well known that Stacey really loves the dark meat if you know what i mean and is often found shaking her booty to all the boys at the Notting Hill carnival, James has accepted that some things cant be changed and loves her anyway).

With there love confirmed Stacey was able to put aside her plans of world destruction and concentrate on making James happy, in a crazy twist Stacey even gave up meat as before she had been seen eating cows before they had been killed. Stacey and James became the perfect couple and they would remain very happy together.

With the world safe they both decided it was time to find new careers and Woolworths was calling (woolies to its friends). Both had a natural affiliation to retail work what with James being cute and help full and Stacey being still slightly evil they found the work easy to get on with. It was at this time they both met a man that would get to know them so well that he would be able to write this totally fictional blog about them. It was one Mr Jonathan Archabled Lancelot Romeo David Budworth, a man described by some as a person with a demi-god like look to him and by most as a fat lazy bullshitter. This man, this legend would gain the pairs full trust and then share all of the secrets he had learnt about them in a blog read by at least four people. I could go on for chapters and chapters about this man-god Mr Budworth but it would all be pointless as his stories are so incredible you may not truly ever believe them. What we can confirm though is that he was the first ever person to have both chili sauce and garlic sauce on a kebab.

For a few years we all worked together happily and we met many other great people all with there own stories of interest but none as interesting as the story of Mr James Cooke so lets not even bother talking about them. The problem James found at Woolies is that although he was really really smart everyone else was really really stupid, there had to be a way to make people as smart as him and that's when he had the great idea to become a teacher and to truly become a hero to the world. James handed in his notice and as he did that the company Woolworths (or Woolies to its friends) went under. Sure James could have stayed and kept the company going but he had to change the world and if destroying woolies meant he could do this then it was a risk he would have to take. So ends part two of the story of James Cooke in part 3 we learn about the troubling part time job at Blockbuster and the hassles to become a teacher to the planet.

Again a quick apology to the very lovely and beautiful Stacey Hammond who has always been a pleasure to know, all of this was said in jest and is not to be taken seriously with exception for her love of dark skinned men and the eating still alive cows.

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