O such a pointless day

Every one is going to die.

Even the Highlander died and he was immortal. You should probably all get use to the idea that this will happen, that way when it does you wont do anything stupid like cry and call out for your mum. Two days ago I was so worried about my life ending that I created a file on my P.C. entitled 'In case The Worst Happens' it included a list of all my passwords to everything that I access online. This was so my parents in the case of my death could go online and close them all down. What brought on this fear, I was going to have my tonsils out.

I know it was just my tonsils nothing bad could happen plus almost everyone has already had them removed. There is no sound reason for me to be worried, except that is the warning on a leaflet given to me letting me know that i had a one in a million chance of death. O is that all? This does not sound to bad really until you take in to consideration that a) I'm one of the most unluckiest people on earth, everything that can go wrong usually does and b) the chances of winning the lottery are 1 in 14 million. For me that little statistic explains life perfectly. You have more chance of dying from a random accident then you do from being wealthy without really working for it. I was originally going to write that you have more chance dying from a random accident then you do from being happy. But its no guarantee that money will make you happy, it sure fucking helps of course.

So its 6 pm the day before I go to hospital I eat my last meal (a delicious chicken pasta salad) and start the long wait. Not sure why but as soon as you know you cant eat that when you get hungry but i held out, nothing past my lips except water. I lay in bed most the night absolutely bricking it. I should add that its not just the fear of death, I don't like hospitals anyway. In all honesty who the fuck does? They remind me of pain and death, sometimes my pain but to date not my death. I eventually doze off at about 3 am to wake up 4 hours later. I don't usually have breakfast but typically on this day all I can think about is getting some cereal, again I don't give in. Time slows to a crawl as I wait, T.V. and the Internet offer me no comfort. Its now quarter to eleven and my dad shouts time to go.

The car journey is quick and painless for the most part, but sadly my dad like most drivers on the planet believe the road should be just for them so i do have to deal with his muttering allot about other drivers going to slow or to quick. I honestly dream of a time when all cars are driven by robots but if the media has taught us anything its that A.I. devices will try to take over the world so maybe we can wait a little longer. Anyway on the way to Tunbridge Wells hospital we stop at my mums work place to pick up her stuff and i say goodbye. At the time it felt like the kind of goodbye soldiers said to there mums just before D-Day. We continue on to the hospital but dad wasn't to sure where to drop me off so he suggest I ask for guidance at the A&E department. Once I leave the car I realize this is a stupid idea and double back t the main entrance.

As I enter I use the hand cleaner, which as a side note is one of my movie flashbacks I have a couple, when ever i use those hand sanitizers i always picture myself as Joker in The Dark Knight. Another is when I'm pushing any type of trolley I always picture myself as the guy at the end of Raiders of the Lost Ark as he pushes the ark thought the warehouse. Anyway as I enter the building I'm greeted by the familiar smell of hospital, you know what I mean the smell of clean but not a nice clean. I see signs pointing me to the E.N.T. department (that's ears nose and throat to all you not in the know) I head down the corridor that never seems to end until I get to the right area. When I reach there I bump into an old work colleague from woolies we say hello and she explains that she is loosening her hearing. I shout OK and goodbye and then go to the front desk. I'm told almost instantly that I'm in the wrong place and i need to go back to the entrance then head upstairs. So back I head down the never ending corridor.

Level 6, visiting hours 3 till 5. I make a note of this as my mum said she will visit me when she finishes work. I bump into a nurse just a second after reading this info, she takes my name and point me towards the waiting room. The waiting room seems to be a judgement of how much your loved, including myself through out the time I'm in there , there are 3 guys on there own myself the youngest the others one about 40 and the third in his 60's. A few old couples, who have obviously been together for ever. One woman who seems to have brought her man, her sisters and all there partners along with them. A granny who is there with her daughter and grand daughter. Plus a middle aged couple. One by one all these people are lead out leaving myself the single guy in his 40's and one of the old couples, I find out that sadly these 3 have been here since 8 a.m. and its a little funny that everyone else will be seen before them this includes my self . But fuck em they should have gone private.

After an hour I get called out to speak with the anaesthetist, she looks through my notes and ask me what my doctor said about my high blood pressure, I respond by saying that I hadn't seen her about it. She ask why not? I explain that although i was told my blood pressure is high I was told that I should speak to my GP about it sometime in the future so I happily left it. This does not make the anaesthetist happy with me (from now on the anaesthetist will simply be called ANAES because I'm getting real fucking tired of writing it out). The anaes informs me they will have to test my blood pressure again and if its to high then I might not get the operation as it will be to risky at that time i wonder if that mean I would have a one in half a million chance of dying but i don't ask. She takes my blood pressure while she ask about my general health, no I don't smoke, no I don't drink often, yes I exercise. This seems to shock her, yes I exercise. I go for a mile long walk every day, every other day I lift weights. She does not believe me.

Her attitude about my weight changes with every sentence some times I'm to big boned other times I'm a little heavy and every now and again I'm dangerously over weight. She keeps coming back to the working out, like I'm going to change my story but I stick to it. For some reason she believes that 6 months of exercise should have magically fixed a life time of over eating. They test my blood pressure again and the anaes tells me its to risky to preform the op, she then tells me all the risk attached to having high blood pressure and that I'll die young from a mix of having a stroke, heart attack and my balls will fall off. Well not that last part but you get the drift. As i leave the hospital relived that I don't have to have the op I find myself genuinely unconcerned about this new issue, sure at the end of the day I was turned away from surgery for being to fat and yeah I feel like that kid at secondary school being picked on again because of my weight. But at that current moment I would rather be a fat guy walking away from hospital then a thin guy running the million to one risk of dying on the operating table.

This story should end here as its gone on for fucking ages but I feel I should also mention my music on my phone, I deleted most of it to put a few of the harry potter audio books on there so I would have something to listen to. Its only a small detail but it pissed me of greatly now that I have to sort that all out again. There is another few hundred little notes and changes I could make but I'll save those for future blogs. Anyway if you managed to read all of this with out getting bored hats of to you and I guess i hope you enjoyed. love you xoxoxoxo

Here Be Nerds!

A quick disclaimer:

I am a NERD, I think as a Nerd, I act as Nerd, I play with Nerd toys. When or if I get a woman in my life I may put away Nerd Toys and act as a man and think as a man but this seems unlikely as all the guys I know still love playing games. This blog will be about my thoughts on games I'm playing. I understand that most of you have this blogged confused with Belle De Jour's and I'll be talking about all the sex I've been having recently, this is not the case. So please keep in mind if you decide to carry on reading that you have been warned.

I own a PS3 , Xbox 360, PC and i'm currently borrowing a Nintendo DS. How did you guess I dont go out much? Whats that it shocks you I'm single? I wouldn't say I masturbate that much! I guess I'll start with the DS. My friend Tom agreed to lend me his DS so that I could simply play the legend of Zelda: Spirit Tracks. I'm not really going to review it but I'll say this much its amazing. I'm a firm believer that a consoles power does not dictate how good a game can be on said console. Its all down to the game developer, its about what they can achieve. If you look back to your first console mine was the game boy , you can remember fun games, well made games. A good game developer knows that graphics mean nothing if every thing else is sloppy. I have known over the years alot of idiots that feel otherwise, but what do they count they are idiots. I'm getting off topic, Zelda games have always held a special spot in peoples hearts, you ask any true gamer to name his favourite Zelda game he will usually have to think about it for a moment. This is because there has been so many great games on so many different Nintendo consoles that it is genuinely difficult to give a quick response. Saying this I know people who will tell you instantly but this because they have already been asked this question. Zelda: spirit tracks is a must play game, not just for Zelda fans but for anyone with a DS.

War what is it good for? Well medical invention for one thing but it also helps game developers come up with new and exciting first person shooters or FPS as it also known. I'm currently playing a few FPS on both the Xbox 360 and the PS3. Lets crack on with the 360. This little online beauty is helping me play Battlefield: Bad Company 2. For those unfamiliar with this game its a FPS with an amazing destruction engine. This means I want in to a building I blow hole using my RPG. I'm stuck behind a wall taking fire, I whip out my drill and make a sniper hole. This game is a lot of fun and the perfect game to play with friends. To be a truly effect team you must work together and have really good communications going. If you have an Xbox 360 and don't own this game i suggest you get out there and get a copy. If you own a PS3 maybe not so much, don't get me wrong PS3s are awesome but there chat and team talk services leave a lot to be desired.

Speaking of the PS3, the 3rd game I'm currently battling through is a game called Resistance 2. Its an interesting game talk about as its so bleak. the basic premise is this, THE WORLD IS FUCKED. An alien virus has spread across the world consuming everything in its path and turning all inhabitants in to evil alien creatures. The last free country is America and its just about to get invaded, its your job to fight of hordes and hordes of alien scum trying to eating your face. When i say this game is bleak i mean it, after every victory i still feel that the earth is fucked as you destroy one alien ship 5 more take its place. But I suppose its better to play that then watch Jeremy Kyle. This game gets interesting online, PS3 is not great for team chat but online team full on chaos nothing does it better. 60 player death match with no slow down is amazing, killing someone that is ranked number one in the world then t-bagging his dead corpse is a must try for all hardcore gamers.

I should really apologize to anyone that isn't a game geek at this moment and hats of to you for reading this far. This might help you fit in with your friends that play lots of games or it could help you chat with your boyfriend, who knows. Anyway if you have any questions please feel free to leave a comment and I'll answer as best I can.

It cost to much to be nice

Someone once said it cost nothing to be nice. This of course is a lie. Being nice cost time, effort and your patience. Whats worse is you may be left with a friend simply because you choose to be nice instead of saying what you truly wanted to say. As an example I'll tell the story of myself and Mr X. I worked with Mr X for a short time. He was pleasant, kind, gentle and a little dim. The exact opposite of what I look for in a friend. I like aggressive, opinionated people that can challenge me mentally which most of you know that last one isn't difficult so if you fail that challenge you must be thick as shit. I worked with Mr X like I said briefly about 2-4 weeks although I would keep bumping into him after this time every now and again.

The last time i bumped in to him I was sitting by Tonbridge river relaxing in the sun waiting for my bus. He walked by with his friends and girlfriend I said hi, he said hi and instead of walking past he stopped for a chat. Joy. I exchanged pleasantries for a while asking him how he was, what he had been up to and generally keeping it brief and straight to the point. Everyone knows the type of conversation, the one where your just trying to get it over with. I had decided a few minuets in that he was not going anywhere so I would have to make my excuses and head off. As I began to leave he suggested we exchange phone numbers and one day we should go for a drink, grudgingly i accepted this and we did the exchange. I spend two more minuets saying good bye and walk off. Minuets later I get a phone call from a number I don't recognize I answer to hear Mr X's voice he wanted me to have his girlfriends number in case for any reason I have trouble getting hold of him.

I think I made my point, I think all of us know that person we don't want contact with but just feel obliged to be nice and polite to. Of course the sad truth is that most of us don't know if we are that guy as we are all so nice to one another.

Yes the loud banging noise makes you feel happy, thats because your an idiot

There is something truly annoying about having to listen to second hand noise. Like over hearing a party when your trying to sleep or hearing people fuck in the room next door. The most annoying part is that you wish you where involved in these things. You wish you where doing the fucking or getting drunk and dancing around like a buffoon at a party. But your not, your in bed alone getting pissed off that you have to listen to these things. As your not involved you start telling yourself that these inconsiderate people are doing these things to wind you up. They are purposely doing these things to remind you of what you could be doing . But anyone who has ever had sex or even been to a party knows this is not true. You not doing anything to just be a dick your having fun when it comes to a real swinging party you probably wouldn't care if your neighbour turned up with some booze and started having a good time (unless you hate your neighbour), you might care a bit if he turned up to watch you having sex though.

I know that the people that live around me don't live there lives to annoy me, I know when a car drives past me blaring out shit dance music that's this is not happening because the driver has singled me out. I just feel that they have.

For a man who doesn't drive the very notion of some 17 year old chav fuck who's parent have brought him a new car just because they love him winds me right up. Who do they think they are? Treating him to gifts especially as we all know him to be a twat. For a man who hardly ever gets laid the idea of happily in love friends having sex on a regular basis really pisses me off, who do you think you are? Living your lives happily in the arms of someone you love, you make me sick.

In an ideal world everyone is as miserable as I am no party's are ever had. Sex is saved for once in a blue moon and chav fucks listen to classical music on the lowest volume setting and even then they are sorry for all the inconvenience.

I wish I was a sad clown hooker, at least that way I would have a job

I've been really good up until today, I never got suckered in, I always found away to avoid it. But today i have accidentally tuned into Jeremy Kyle and I haven't switched off straight away. I think its mostly down to northerners being on, when those guys get yabbering on in their weird northern accents I just get hypnotised its almost poetry except they all say "at the end of the day"alot. Any who I'm getting off topic, the reason I don't watch day time TV is that as soon as you do its almost like giving up searching for a job. There are some acceptions to this rule though for example you are allowed to watch channel 4 comedies such as Frasier and cheers.

So I've been unemployed for about 4 months now and for the most part i have kept myself sane and occupied. The issue is that when I look back over those 4 months I start thinking about all the things I could have achieved if I really tried. I enjoy writing which is why I do these stupid blogs but anyone that knows me knows I have a passion for films and comics which is why I have about a million ideas a day for films. Yet when it comes time to settling down and getting some work done I find another way to fill the time like playing computer games, watching bad movies or watching good porn. Having a boring life is such a distraction. A friend of mine once said if you need something done give the job to someone busy.

So how do i resolve all these issues? How do i change my life around and get it on the right tracks? Seriously I'm asking as I have no clue. But there is a good chance that if you are reading this you haven't figured that out yet either.

Choose Ninja as pirates are shit

Pirates are crap, they where cool for about a year then crappy sequels where made and I lost respect for Johnny Depp. I'm sure all faith will be rebuilt when i see Alice but until then........
Anyway what was my point, umm I guess that anything great can let you down or will let you down. Some people think that the second and third pirates of the Caribbean films are good or great. You are wrong, so very very wrong I cant go into to much detail but just remember how good the first one was and compare.

So was it Johnny Depps fault? I mean think about it he did read the script. He did agree to it. But he is only human and he wanted the money. Which probably hurts the most, I've seen Mr Depp in some great performances he usually doesn't disappoint.

Johnny Depp letting me down was bound to happen, if the Matrix films have taught us anything its that some thing are inevitable, this is fine. Besides he is an actor I don't actually know, I know of him, I just don't know him personally. This makes forgiving him easier. So what happens when someone I know personally lets me down this is inevitable. Sadly if you have lived your life without anyone you love or trust letting you down it probably means your about 6 months old. At some point you will feel let down maybe even betrayed.

These people wont do this for a massive amount of money, they will do this accidentally. They probably wont be thinking straight or they will be hurt themselves and feel like venting. They will mostly do this because they are human and we make mistakes all the time. It will be up to them to do something great to try and win back your trust but mostly it will be up to you to choose when to forgive them. But keep in mind you have probably let someone down at some point also as your only human and if you haven't you will.

Fuck it

I had written a massive blog venting all my anger but it didnt save and i lost it, this is all your getting.