After some limited sleep I woke to see some natural light coming in to the room, I had set my alarm for about 7 and had some time to kill before it went off i laid in my bed and chilled. Then the farts started and after a fart there was a very feminine giggle. Jillian was the only girl in a room of about 6 people and if i had to guess all the other men had eaten beans the night before. Sure I may have let one go but I made sure it was a quiet one. After about 15 minutes my alarm went so I rolled out of bed and started getting ready, as we weren't coming back to the hostel everything needed to be taken with us, I went for a shower and Jillian talked to some of the other runners (turns out just about everyone in the hostel was there for the run). I came back Jillian went for a shower and I finished packing. A little while later we went downstairs for breakfast. She had been fixating on eating Peanut butter on toast with banana's on top she had been going on about this for most of the time we had been travelling so I was a little disappointed after she made 2 of these and only ate 1 saying she would eat the other on the way. As we sat in the canteen of the hostel one of the guys who had shared the room with us offered us the chance to walk up to the starting line with him, I was interested Jillian was not. Jillian had been told about a shuttle service from the station to the start line and was adamant that this would be the way we would travel. Even though we where only about two miles down the road to the starting point.
It was time to make our way to the starting line, with all out bags with us with left the hostel and headed further away from the start then where we were to go to the station. Although no other runner new about this service except for the experts we had spoken to the day before, like I said Jillian was adamant. All the time Jillian was carrying her piece of toast with peanut butter and banana on. As we walked to the station I became more and more concerned that every other runner we passed was walking the way we had just come, but Jill still wanted to continue and as she was a bout to run a marathon I decided to do as she wanted and then I flat out lied to her and said that when we get to the station and find no shuttle I would not say told you so. We did get there after a little trek and asked anybody we could about it but nobody had any idea what we where talking about, we asked one more group of runners who all told us it was a 15 minute walk from here to the start so we may as well just walk it. With this Jill gave up and we headed back the way we came still with toast in hand. We got back to the road with all the other runners and Jillian had another change of heart, this time about the toast, she was no longer hungry and soon after binned it, sad times and I still feel bad as this toast didn't get used for the purpose it was created for. Not long after we found the racing start line. It didn't look to busy at first maybe only a few hundred people but as soon as we past some hedges there where thousands of runners and few hundred spectators. We saw some trucks of in the distance in which you could give them a bag and they would take it to the finish line for you, Jillian's bag was to big so we maid a stupid mistake and gave them my bag. We had about 5 minuets from this point to walk down to Jillian's starting point ( there are different starting points for how professional the runners are as this was Jill's first run she started at the back). As we approached the runners only point we said good bye and i tried to give an inspirational speech to help her along the way. I said something like 'Jill you might feel a lone at times on this race especially when it gets hard, but your not I'm always with you, so are your friends and family and also everyone your running this for' she responded with 'ok'. I felt a little stupid and a bit deflated but she was a lot more focused on the race then what i was saying so I just said goodbye again and let her walk down to her starting point, I walked down the side barriers with her. It got comically awkward at this point as both of us had said goodbye moments before we then spent the next 20 minuets talking, It takes a while to get the people moving and every time the line moved slightly we said goodbye again and then carried on chatting. Finally it did get going and I did get to say goodbye for the next 4 and half hours.
I took as many pictures as I could but mostly of the back of her head or someone who looks similar, and as the starting mile does a little circle on itself i decided to cut across the field and take another picture of her, this didn't work and even though my walk was a lot shorter then her run i did make the mistake of not realising that running is as it turns out faster then walking. From here on I would only see Jillian once before the finish line and the story will mostly feature about me entertain myself in Brighton. It started with some fresh cooked doughnuts they where selling on the field, the guy selling them had 3 left he sold me for a £1 I didn't need 3 but I thought whatever I'll take them, just as I walked away a family came to stand and asked for some doughnuts to which he happily answered I had just brought his last ones, I thought about giving them the other 2 I didn't really want but then i decided that if they where serious about getting doughnuts they would have got there sooner so fuck 'em. I followed the route of the runners and cut as many corners as i possibly could to get a head of Jill's group but it was no good. I walked past one poor sod wearing one of the tops for the faster runners who had collapsed about 4 miles in, I felt bad for him and didn't want to say that I was walking this and doing better then he was. Watching a few thousand people run has never been one of my hobbies so its fair to say I got a little bored at times, I looked in a few shops and then I had a brain wave if i cut down to the half way point I would definitely be able to see Jill again. I walked the most direct route I could and this time I would definitely beat her to a point so I could take some more snaps. When I got to a crossing point there was already some of the faster runners there at the half way point but this guys where pros so I know I had at least some time to cross the road and find a good point to take some pictures and shout my support, sadly crossing the main road of a marathon takes some time as they close half the road at a time to let people cross but not disrupt the runners to much, it took about 15 mins just to get across. I finally made myself to a good point and then I waited and waited and waited. This isn't a negative comment and anyone reading this wants to have a stab at running 13 miles any quicker please have a go. The problem is I waited so long my camera that was in my hand went in to sleep mode and when I did finally see Jill it took a bit to long to wake up and all I got was a picture of the back of her head. I was more then a little pissed of about this, but on the plus side it had given me a rough estimate of what time to get to the finish line to try and get a better picture, now all I had to do was kill another 2 hours.
Bored and a little bit in pain from carrying Jillian's backpack (the heavier and larger of the 2 we brought with us) I started to walk along the coast, annoyingly as we had handed over my backpack I only had my wallet and phone with me and not my eclairs I brought the day before, much sadness. But then it hit me with the force of a thousand atomic bombs or one extra spicy vindaloo. What do all tourists do in Brighton to keep occupied, they go to the pier. I'm sure as a child I had been to Brighton but I had not been in 20 years and to be honest the pier was the perfect distraction. Loads of great seaside food like rock and paper cups filled with sea food plus some rides which I didn't go on and lots of arcade games and those claw grab games which could win you a toy. I decided that what ever medal or certificate they gave Jill at the end of this that a stuffed Mario or Luigi toy would be a much better gift, so I spent about 90 minuets and maybe £15 trying to win one for, I failed completely at this and got more and more annoyed with myself, Mario and Brighton for my failing. I stop ed trying and played some shot em up games, which all though fun was also very annoying. As most of these games are 2 player I would very quickly find some kid standing next to me and pretending to play. Sadly I'm to nice to tell people to fuck off, and even if I was enjoying a game I would pretend to be out of coins and move on. I think one of the best things abut getting old and having a job is that I could have played one of these games all day still had money left over. Time was getting on and it was time to head back to the finish line.
When I got to the finish I saw some poor sod who had collapsed at the 300 meters to the finish line mark, I felt bad for him for the first 15 mins then lost interest as the paramedics seemed to be helping him and when they got a stretcher to him they happily pushed him past the finish line, of course I have to wonder if that counts as him finishing the run and would his sponsors have to pay? I didn't have to wait long for Jill maybe half an hour and it was nice to see the other runners get big yet very tired smile across there face as they got to the 300 meter mark, sadly this point looked a lot like a finish line to some people and they almost stop ed there. Jillian came about and I made the same stupid mistake with my camera only taking pictures of her back. But she had made it she had ran 26 miles in 4 hours 36 minuets, well done her.
I walked down to the finish line and then what felt like an extra half mile to the end of the barricaded area, if i thought crossing the road was bad this section was worse, hundreds and hundreds of people on a tiny stretch of path all barging in to each other all trying to get past, at this point I was tired and as it would turnout slightly sun burnt. As we slowly made our way forward 3 impatient hags kept pushing me trying to make me go faster, now for those who don't know me I'm a calm reasonable person, unless I'm tired. After getting prodded in the back(pack) one time to many I waited for then to do it again and as I felt a hand start to prod me i slightly pushed backwards causing all 3 woman to come to a rapid halt and knock in to each other, they made a comment under their breath but I turned around and gave them daggers and after that moment they didn't push or make any noise for a long time. I eventually made it through the crowd and luckily bumped it to Jillian i say luckily as I had her bag with me including her phone, so I had both phones. If we missed each other we could have been in trouble, but it worked out. I gave her a hug she gave me a bottle of power aid and then she told me she needed to sit down and get changed and rest. If i knew then what i know now I would have carried on walking all the way to the station as after she rested for a moment her legs stiffened up and she could barely walk. But she wanted to go to the beach and speak to the charity she ran for. She told me about her run and how it wasn't that bad and how she didn't stop and it never got to much for her, I told her how proud I was and how grateful I was for not making me wait for more then 5 hours. She spoke to the charity she ran for and they told her how grateful they where, they gave her free things mostly more drink and crisps and Jillian got changed. We rested on the pebble beach for a while and then very slowly headed down the coast to find somewhere to get food. e found a pretty lousy restaurant on the sea front and decided what the hell lets get some food. I made the terrible mistake of ordering burger while Jill made the wise decision of ordering fish & chips, it would be very funny to write 1000 words on what was wrong with the burger and what was right with the fish but I'll keep it simple and say this. Inland eat farm animals pig, chicken and cow, by the sea eat things from the sea. After a disappointing burger we again headed off to the station. It took a while and Jill looked like she had been riding a horse that was to big for her for the last few hours as she walked, sadly to make matters worse the journey to the station was all uphill and what would normally be a 15 min walked to twice as long as that but we did get there and to make things better there was a train departing soon. We clambered on board and got some good seats, as we waited more and more runners climbed aboard, until the train was jammed full. I wish I could say that I gave up my seat for people who had done the run but that wouldn't have been practical as it would have involved getting lots of people to move as well so I just stayed seated. I was pretty tired and Jillian was exhausted so not a lot was said on the journey home, some obese couple a seat over did talk a lot about doing the run in 5 hours 30 it made me think that anyone could run the race but when anyone suggest that I run one I tell them that I'm fine thanks and its not something I can see myself doing. What got to London Bridge and it was time to say goodbye, I asked Jill to phone a friend to come meet her and help her home but she told me she was fine, I wont lie I was a little worried but I was even more selfish and just wanted to get home myself. We hugged said goodbye again and went our own way, I had another boring 45 min train journey to do but my adventure to Brighton was over, I forgot to come out while I was down there so maybe if I go again I'll do that next time but apart from that it was a bloody good weekend.
Monday, 7 May 2012
Thursday, 19 April 2012
Jon to Jillian then to Brighton - A hobbits tale
On the 14/04/12 my cousin Jillian ran the Brighton marathon in 4 hours and 36 minuets. This is my side of the story. Her side involves a lot of what I did but at no point do I run a marathon. A while a go I had decided that I would accompany my cousin as she ran the Brighton marathon, honestly I wasn't to sure about going but at the time her flat mate was meant to still be in the country and I thought hell at least I will have someone to talk to, sadly things change and Cara (pronounced CareA) had gone back to Canada. This meant that I really couldn't back out now as she was going to need someone there for moral support and to carry the bags. The race started at 09.30 on the 14th so this meant we would have to stay at a hostel the night before as neither of us could really afford to stay in a hotel despite how much i really wanted to.
Due to the awkwardness of where I live arranging the right time to meet Jillian in London was the first issue we had, we eventually settled on 2 O'clock at Charring Cross as I had done some bad research and believed the train left there and went straight to Brighton, this was bad research and upon learning my error changed are meeting place to London bridge. This should have been better as it was closer to where Jillian lived, even thought this was the case Jill being Jill was still late. There are many levels of being late for something and Jill's level is a long way after normal girl and fast approaching the level of I'm fucking going home. Sadly she is family so I waited and brought some eclairs ( not the cakes but those little toffee things with the chocolate inside). Jillian arrived a train was just about to leave so we hugged and jumped on. This was when I learnt this might not go well for her, she had been struggling with a cold all week and was suffering with lady issues I wont go in to. The journey lasted about 45 minuets and had no problems except I kept getting angry that there seemed to be no easy way to get to Brighton from Tonbridge I mean it is just down the freaking road.
I have been to Brighton before but not for years and I have next to no memory of the place, Jillian had been there more recently and had a slightly better understanding of the land. Our first port of call was the Marathon Expo at Brighton centre, we walked out of the train station and straight down the road passing a few places that we might go back to for some food later. We also started playing a great game called look at her/his bum where you get to perv at a lady or gentleman's bottom. I played this game a little more then Jillian did but in fairness its a great game for 1 to 100 people to play, also its very easy as a lot of the people who are going to run the Marathon are fit and wear those skin tight running shorts, anyway. It wasn't to hard to find the Expo and after we got Jillian signed we looked around, there was plenty to see and do and lots of charities set up trying to get runners to sign to them next year. Of all the worthy causes there only one really spoke to me and that was the charity raising money for abandoned cats, I didn't sign up as I'm not that stupid although I did donate some cash and take a bizarre fluffy thing with www.cats.org.uk written on it. The irony not lost on me that if this fluffy thing was real my cats and probably all cats would happily rip it to pieces to see how its works. Jillian brought a cap for her dad then we found a place offer massages, Jill happily signed up for one as she thought they where free but in the end had to pay about £10 as they where only free the day before, doh! This was an awkward time as a single guy can't hang around a massage pit as that would just be odd so I walked around the expo feeling very out of place, until I remembered it was 2012 and I owned a mobile phone, so I called my friend Tom and told him about the situation and he kept me busy until Jillian finished. It was then time for the final lecture from three professional runners, who where just there to give advice about the run and eating and resting plans for before the event. Sadly the eating part was mostly ignored by Jill as she had long before decided that she really wanted a burger after we had finished there and they had said that we should get carbs as anything else was wasted. They also accidental spoke of a shuttle service that went from Train station to the start of the race and Jill had her heart set on getting that shuttle I new we where about 20 minuets walk away from the starting point at are Hostel so we should walk but Jill disagreed but more on that later.
We left the The expo in search of food and despite being in a pretty nice town with a large selection of restaurants and unique eating establishments we ended up going to a Weather spoons and getting burgers, don't get me wrong they where good burgers but it was a shame being that close to the sea and not getting fish. We ate are food discussed are plans for the evening. She had been told to relax and chill the night before so we decided on the cinema, then to the train station to find out more about the shuttle then to the hostel to get some sleep. We back down the road to the cinema and disaster struck, there was nothing but shit films playing or films that wouldn't finish till well gone 11 and the idea was to get rest that night. We had both wanted to watch pirates but sadly it wasn't playing, what was playing was Battleships but I hadn't heard a single good word about that film and couldn't justify spending money on it. Luckily there was a showing at 8.30 for a film called 21 Jump street, I heard it was funny and had this confirmed by one of the girls selling tickets. We had to kill some time before it started but hey I thought it would be worth the wait. We walked down to the coats and along the beach stopping to get some ice cream and chill out for a bit, Jill had mint choc chip and I had a plain Mr Whippy with a flake, good times. We headed back to the cinema and went to watch out films. Cinema is made for Jillian, she gets deeply in to most films and I even witnessed her cry when James Bond killed a bad guy once. This is not a negative thing and I genuinely wish I could be that invested in anything as she had a blast. Again don't get me wrong as 21 jump street is a blast and I will happily compare it my other favourite comedy this year (so far) The Muppet Movie. We both enjoyed the movie and loved the surprise cameo.
The film finished and we headed back to the station the walk up hill seemed to take a while and we passed lots of woman who Jill happily described as skanks I described them as girls out for a good time and if they wanted to wear skirts no bigger then belts who am I to argue. I had always been unsure of the necessity to head back to the station as I was sure it would be easier to walk to the even then get the shuttle but I decided to bite my tongue as it was her race and I was there as support. At the station the only person we could find to help was a bitter old man working the night shift at the ticket sales part, he had no idea about the marathon or the shuttle but Jillian still grilled him until i dragged her away. Time to find the Hostel, Jillian found the road to the hostel easily enough but it seemed to go on for ever, as I was about to give up and use the map on my phone Jill asked a lady walking past who was going that way anyway and that way anyway was just over the road. The hostel wasn't to bad everyone there seemed in high spirits and most of the people where there for the race, it bugged me we couldn't pay by card but we had cash and £20 each for a reasonably safe place to spend the night seemed like a deal. A couple of issues like given that our room was nearly empty why did one of us have to sleep on the top bunk? We had to make our own beds which isn't to bad but the pillow wasn't noticeable, we showered (separately) and settled in for what for me would be a piss poor nights sleep, luckily the running girl slept fine.
Part two coming soon.
Due to the awkwardness of where I live arranging the right time to meet Jillian in London was the first issue we had, we eventually settled on 2 O'clock at Charring Cross as I had done some bad research and believed the train left there and went straight to Brighton, this was bad research and upon learning my error changed are meeting place to London bridge. This should have been better as it was closer to where Jillian lived, even thought this was the case Jill being Jill was still late. There are many levels of being late for something and Jill's level is a long way after normal girl and fast approaching the level of I'm fucking going home. Sadly she is family so I waited and brought some eclairs ( not the cakes but those little toffee things with the chocolate inside). Jillian arrived a train was just about to leave so we hugged and jumped on. This was when I learnt this might not go well for her, she had been struggling with a cold all week and was suffering with lady issues I wont go in to. The journey lasted about 45 minuets and had no problems except I kept getting angry that there seemed to be no easy way to get to Brighton from Tonbridge I mean it is just down the freaking road.
I have been to Brighton before but not for years and I have next to no memory of the place, Jillian had been there more recently and had a slightly better understanding of the land. Our first port of call was the Marathon Expo at Brighton centre, we walked out of the train station and straight down the road passing a few places that we might go back to for some food later. We also started playing a great game called look at her/his bum where you get to perv at a lady or gentleman's bottom. I played this game a little more then Jillian did but in fairness its a great game for 1 to 100 people to play, also its very easy as a lot of the people who are going to run the Marathon are fit and wear those skin tight running shorts, anyway. It wasn't to hard to find the Expo and after we got Jillian signed we looked around, there was plenty to see and do and lots of charities set up trying to get runners to sign to them next year. Of all the worthy causes there only one really spoke to me and that was the charity raising money for abandoned cats, I didn't sign up as I'm not that stupid although I did donate some cash and take a bizarre fluffy thing with www.cats.org.uk written on it. The irony not lost on me that if this fluffy thing was real my cats and probably all cats would happily rip it to pieces to see how its works. Jillian brought a cap for her dad then we found a place offer massages, Jill happily signed up for one as she thought they where free but in the end had to pay about £10 as they where only free the day before, doh! This was an awkward time as a single guy can't hang around a massage pit as that would just be odd so I walked around the expo feeling very out of place, until I remembered it was 2012 and I owned a mobile phone, so I called my friend Tom and told him about the situation and he kept me busy until Jillian finished. It was then time for the final lecture from three professional runners, who where just there to give advice about the run and eating and resting plans for before the event. Sadly the eating part was mostly ignored by Jill as she had long before decided that she really wanted a burger after we had finished there and they had said that we should get carbs as anything else was wasted. They also accidental spoke of a shuttle service that went from Train station to the start of the race and Jill had her heart set on getting that shuttle I new we where about 20 minuets walk away from the starting point at are Hostel so we should walk but Jill disagreed but more on that later.
We left the The expo in search of food and despite being in a pretty nice town with a large selection of restaurants and unique eating establishments we ended up going to a Weather spoons and getting burgers, don't get me wrong they where good burgers but it was a shame being that close to the sea and not getting fish. We ate are food discussed are plans for the evening. She had been told to relax and chill the night before so we decided on the cinema, then to the train station to find out more about the shuttle then to the hostel to get some sleep. We back down the road to the cinema and disaster struck, there was nothing but shit films playing or films that wouldn't finish till well gone 11 and the idea was to get rest that night. We had both wanted to watch pirates but sadly it wasn't playing, what was playing was Battleships but I hadn't heard a single good word about that film and couldn't justify spending money on it. Luckily there was a showing at 8.30 for a film called 21 Jump street, I heard it was funny and had this confirmed by one of the girls selling tickets. We had to kill some time before it started but hey I thought it would be worth the wait. We walked down to the coats and along the beach stopping to get some ice cream and chill out for a bit, Jill had mint choc chip and I had a plain Mr Whippy with a flake, good times. We headed back to the cinema and went to watch out films. Cinema is made for Jillian, she gets deeply in to most films and I even witnessed her cry when James Bond killed a bad guy once. This is not a negative thing and I genuinely wish I could be that invested in anything as she had a blast. Again don't get me wrong as 21 jump street is a blast and I will happily compare it my other favourite comedy this year (so far) The Muppet Movie. We both enjoyed the movie and loved the surprise cameo.
The film finished and we headed back to the station the walk up hill seemed to take a while and we passed lots of woman who Jill happily described as skanks I described them as girls out for a good time and if they wanted to wear skirts no bigger then belts who am I to argue. I had always been unsure of the necessity to head back to the station as I was sure it would be easier to walk to the even then get the shuttle but I decided to bite my tongue as it was her race and I was there as support. At the station the only person we could find to help was a bitter old man working the night shift at the ticket sales part, he had no idea about the marathon or the shuttle but Jillian still grilled him until i dragged her away. Time to find the Hostel, Jillian found the road to the hostel easily enough but it seemed to go on for ever, as I was about to give up and use the map on my phone Jill asked a lady walking past who was going that way anyway and that way anyway was just over the road. The hostel wasn't to bad everyone there seemed in high spirits and most of the people where there for the race, it bugged me we couldn't pay by card but we had cash and £20 each for a reasonably safe place to spend the night seemed like a deal. A couple of issues like given that our room was nearly empty why did one of us have to sleep on the top bunk? We had to make our own beds which isn't to bad but the pillow wasn't noticeable, we showered (separately) and settled in for what for me would be a piss poor nights sleep, luckily the running girl slept fine.
Part two coming soon.
Wednesday, 22 June 2011
James Cooke - Part 2
James Cooke - Episode 2
The Revenge Of Stacey
(Please be warned the next few paragraphs are very Anti- Stacey Hammond I swear this is simply for comic affect as we all know Stacey would not harm a fly)
She was born on the coldest night of the decade, while an evil red moon shone down on her. No animal could be heard for miles around her and all in her presents felt a cold tingle run down there spine. The child did not cry when first born and no doctor or midwife would dare slap her to induce tears. She knew her purpose on this earth and that purpose was to bring destruction to the world. There have been many rumours about her true origins, some say she is the daughter of the devil others say that she is simply a walking advertisement for safe sex but all agree that some things should not be brought in to the world. She is Stacey Hammond, she is the opposite of James Cooke.
Stacey had a normal enough childhood, if by normal you mean the ritualistic slaying of missing children and dogs. But never cats, she liked cats and they liked her as both had a Kean interest in the slow destruction of there prey. Stacey was smart, not book smart or street smart but very smart in the ways of inducing pain and misery and she did both with the greatest of ease. Her evil surely would have consumed the world if not for a chance encounter with one Mr James Cooke.
The story behind these two meeting has been lost and that remains is myth and rumour, what we know for sure is that there was a battle involved a lot like the main battle in the third part of the lord of the rings film, you know the one, the one inside and outside of Minas Tirith, you know the one it had all the orcs and the elephants and then the dude who was all evil got stabbed in the head and he died and he was killed by that blond chick, you know the one it had all the ghosts and the dwarf had started to loose his comical charm and just become a bit annoying which is very unlike the books as he always stayed interesting in them, you do know what I'm talking about don't you? Anyway it was a lot like that. After this chaotic adventure and as soon as Stacey first laid eyes on James she stoped with all her evil ways and decided to dedicate herself mostly to him (for legal reasons I must say mostly as it is well known that Stacey really loves the dark meat if you know what i mean and is often found shaking her booty to all the boys at the Notting Hill carnival, James has accepted that some things cant be changed and loves her anyway).
With there love confirmed Stacey was able to put aside her plans of world destruction and concentrate on making James happy, in a crazy twist Stacey even gave up meat as before she had been seen eating cows before they had been killed. Stacey and James became the perfect couple and they would remain very happy together.
With the world safe they both decided it was time to find new careers and Woolworths was calling (woolies to its friends). Both had a natural affiliation to retail work what with James being cute and help full and Stacey being still slightly evil they found the work easy to get on with. It was at this time they both met a man that would get to know them so well that he would be able to write this totally fictional blog about them. It was one Mr Jonathan Archabled Lancelot Romeo David Budworth, a man described by some as a person with a demi-god like look to him and by most as a fat lazy bullshitter. This man, this legend would gain the pairs full trust and then share all of the secrets he had learnt about them in a blog read by at least four people. I could go on for chapters and chapters about this man-god Mr Budworth but it would all be pointless as his stories are so incredible you may not truly ever believe them. What we can confirm though is that he was the first ever person to have both chili sauce and garlic sauce on a kebab.
For a few years we all worked together happily and we met many other great people all with there own stories of interest but none as interesting as the story of Mr James Cooke so lets not even bother talking about them. The problem James found at Woolies is that although he was really really smart everyone else was really really stupid, there had to be a way to make people as smart as him and that's when he had the great idea to become a teacher and to truly become a hero to the world. James handed in his notice and as he did that the company Woolworths (or Woolies to its friends) went under. Sure James could have stayed and kept the company going but he had to change the world and if destroying woolies meant he could do this then it was a risk he would have to take. So ends part two of the story of James Cooke in part 3 we learn about the troubling part time job at Blockbuster and the hassles to become a teacher to the planet.
Again a quick apology to the very lovely and beautiful Stacey Hammond who has always been a pleasure to know, all of this was said in jest and is not to be taken seriously with exception for her love of dark skinned men and the eating still alive cows.
Monday, 2 May 2011
The Royal Wedding and Other Pointless Current Events
Wow what a day, Osama Bin Laden has been shot dead in his home all across America people are dancing in the street singing praises to America and stating how justice has been done. That's right justice is attacking a man/evil monster in the middle of the night and shooting him dead with three other people. I don't know what I expected I just know I really wanted a court case, it would have been mental to see and the greatest thing ever since sliced bread. I don't blame the probable kill order given to the U.S. soldiers as I can only assume they came under some fire and I would rather hear of Bin Laden death then of another soldier. I'll never defend the monster but I cant as a rational human being defend the idea that justice should be carried out with a hit squad.
Apparently two people got married the other day and we all made a pointlessly big deal about an issue that really is so irrelevant its not even worth mentioning, but fuck it I have an opinion so I'll carry on typing. This event DOES NOT MAKE ME PROUD TO BE BRITISH , why would it? If on there way out they revealed that the royals had been working on a cure to all illness and it was now time to reveal the results, then I would be proud, they didn't. At best they made some real idiots very happy. By idiots I mean anyone that lost sleep for this event. People have all ready been over analysing every event and it makes me bored and feel depressed. My end point is that no life defining moment for so many people should have been pre arranged unless its earths first contact with aliens.
No to Known AV, or how I learned to stop being treated like an idiot by anti-AV supporters. AV also known as the alternative vote system is not complicated, not really not compared to say the plot of Inception. The easiest comparison I can think of is say that of the voting for x-factor or big brother. There isn't one round, if the person you wanted to stay in gets kicked out you can change your preference and keep voting, of course there is a real chance this is just to make more money from you but that's not the issue here. So you wanted Jeff B to win but he got kicked out, but that's OK because Jenny J was your second choice so no real hassle and the game continues. Yeah this is a dumbed down version and I doubt it really answers all your questions, but go do some research if your still lost. My problem is not the AV system , my problem is the two biggest reasons anti AV groups are using. The first being its complicated and you wont be able to get your pretty little head around it. The second is its expensive, but I promise you its not half as expensive as the advertising costs that the anti groups are pumping in to getting there point across. I don't care which way you vote, its your choice, just don't vote one way because your worried about how stupid you are. Just as an end note change is the best thing to happen to our voting system this is constantly proven with all the changes that have happened in the past, first the right for all people from all wealth backgrounds to have the vote, then woman then any ethnic groups, which leads us all to be a fairer better race.
Apparently two people got married the other day and we all made a pointlessly big deal about an issue that really is so irrelevant its not even worth mentioning, but fuck it I have an opinion so I'll carry on typing. This event DOES NOT MAKE ME PROUD TO BE BRITISH , why would it? If on there way out they revealed that the royals had been working on a cure to all illness and it was now time to reveal the results, then I would be proud, they didn't. At best they made some real idiots very happy. By idiots I mean anyone that lost sleep for this event. People have all ready been over analysing every event and it makes me bored and feel depressed. My end point is that no life defining moment for so many people should have been pre arranged unless its earths first contact with aliens.
No to Known AV, or how I learned to stop being treated like an idiot by anti-AV supporters. AV also known as the alternative vote system is not complicated, not really not compared to say the plot of Inception. The easiest comparison I can think of is say that of the voting for x-factor or big brother. There isn't one round, if the person you wanted to stay in gets kicked out you can change your preference and keep voting, of course there is a real chance this is just to make more money from you but that's not the issue here. So you wanted Jeff B to win but he got kicked out, but that's OK because Jenny J was your second choice so no real hassle and the game continues. Yeah this is a dumbed down version and I doubt it really answers all your questions, but go do some research if your still lost. My problem is not the AV system , my problem is the two biggest reasons anti AV groups are using. The first being its complicated and you wont be able to get your pretty little head around it. The second is its expensive, but I promise you its not half as expensive as the advertising costs that the anti groups are pumping in to getting there point across. I don't care which way you vote, its your choice, just don't vote one way because your worried about how stupid you are. Just as an end note change is the best thing to happen to our voting system this is constantly proven with all the changes that have happened in the past, first the right for all people from all wealth backgrounds to have the vote, then woman then any ethnic groups, which leads us all to be a fairer better race.
Sunday, 6 March 2011
A piss poor Blog, written so that I dont feel bad about not writing anything in a while.
So here are some things people should know about me but probably don't.
1: Although I have real issue with all organised religion (with the exception of Buddhism) I do believe in a "God" like entity. I say God like entity as I don't call it God for a reason and that is that it might not be its name. Plus It probably is not watching down from on high judging us and fucking up our days with poor weather. If anything it was just around first and kind of guided our growth as a race.
2. I believe in an afterlife. If your truly an atheist and your reading this with the idea that this one life is all you have and once it ends that's the end of you, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? So there is nothing after this, you get drunk every weekend then you go to work Monday through to Friday while you save up for your mortgage in the vain hope that you can retire at 64 and live out the rest of your misserable lives watching day time T.V. How is that taking advantage of your one life? In fact thats just living a piss poor existence. Don't get me wrong I'm not judging you really as I'm not even living an existence as good as that, but at least I might have a safety blanket with the idea of either reincarnation or the afterlife, either will do I'm not fussed.
3. I don't get football. Well I don't really get the idea of getting passionate about watching any sport. Playing sport is fun, watching and getting aggressive about a result is a little retarded, unless you have a financial gain from the your team winning. Seriously though every time I hear an idiot state that there teams victory on a certain day was the happiest of there lives it makes me feel angry and very very sad for there children , who now know that the day they where born was not the happiest day of there dad's life. Again I watch match of the day every now and again, I also pretend to support a Arsenal but mostly just to wind up other football fans.
4. I read graphic novels more then I read books. But at least I read so fuck off.
5. I own to many films, both porn and normal. I know what your thinking, your thinking you can never own to much porn or any other films. But you can, you easily can and in this world or movies being at the click of a button do we really need to own films any more? I still have the porn for the big reason of how the fuck do you get rid of it, seriously. EBay wont let me sell it and I would be to embarrassed to just throw it away in case I got caught.
6. I'm getting really old now. Yeah I know I'm not even 30 yet but after a night out drinking my body feels like death for about 3 days. I'm not even talking about getting proper drunk, I'm just talking about a few beers with the boys to the point of getting a bit woozy.
7. I strongly believe that all intolerance comes partly from lack of understanding but mostly from stupidity. This goes for homophobia and racism, you fucking idiot. You get very confused by the difference between immigrants and and illegal immigrants and the fact is you have probably never meet an illegal immigrant so keep your mouth shut.
8. I am a terrible human being. A lot of my friends tell me I'm to harsh on myself but its for a good reason. I don't look after myself so in turn don't really look after those I'm close to. I'm make terrible jokes about other peoples misfortune. Everyone and everything annoys me, well not all the time but at least once and that goes for all of you. Even if i have never met you at least at one point you have pissed me off. But I imagine everyone feels that way.
9. I'm not jealous of your success I just don't want to hear about it. You tell me you have done well at something I'm happy for you, honestly I am. But if someone introduces them self with a list of there accomplishments then they can go to hell. "hi I'm Steve and I'm the youngest area manager in my company" my response is "Hi I'm Jon i bet i can eat a whole pizza before you". This is why I don't care who wins The Apprentice, all of them just seem to be pretentious cunts.
There is more but I'm really tired after having some drinks 2 nights a go some I'm going to go back to bed.
1: Although I have real issue with all organised religion (with the exception of Buddhism) I do believe in a "God" like entity. I say God like entity as I don't call it God for a reason and that is that it might not be its name. Plus It probably is not watching down from on high judging us and fucking up our days with poor weather. If anything it was just around first and kind of guided our growth as a race.
2. I believe in an afterlife. If your truly an atheist and your reading this with the idea that this one life is all you have and once it ends that's the end of you, WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING? So there is nothing after this, you get drunk every weekend then you go to work Monday through to Friday while you save up for your mortgage in the vain hope that you can retire at 64 and live out the rest of your misserable lives watching day time T.V. How is that taking advantage of your one life? In fact thats just living a piss poor existence. Don't get me wrong I'm not judging you really as I'm not even living an existence as good as that, but at least I might have a safety blanket with the idea of either reincarnation or the afterlife, either will do I'm not fussed.
3. I don't get football. Well I don't really get the idea of getting passionate about watching any sport. Playing sport is fun, watching and getting aggressive about a result is a little retarded, unless you have a financial gain from the your team winning. Seriously though every time I hear an idiot state that there teams victory on a certain day was the happiest of there lives it makes me feel angry and very very sad for there children , who now know that the day they where born was not the happiest day of there dad's life. Again I watch match of the day every now and again, I also pretend to support a Arsenal but mostly just to wind up other football fans.
4. I read graphic novels more then I read books. But at least I read so fuck off.
5. I own to many films, both porn and normal. I know what your thinking, your thinking you can never own to much porn or any other films. But you can, you easily can and in this world or movies being at the click of a button do we really need to own films any more? I still have the porn for the big reason of how the fuck do you get rid of it, seriously. EBay wont let me sell it and I would be to embarrassed to just throw it away in case I got caught.
6. I'm getting really old now. Yeah I know I'm not even 30 yet but after a night out drinking my body feels like death for about 3 days. I'm not even talking about getting proper drunk, I'm just talking about a few beers with the boys to the point of getting a bit woozy.
7. I strongly believe that all intolerance comes partly from lack of understanding but mostly from stupidity. This goes for homophobia and racism, you fucking idiot. You get very confused by the difference between immigrants and and illegal immigrants and the fact is you have probably never meet an illegal immigrant so keep your mouth shut.
8. I am a terrible human being. A lot of my friends tell me I'm to harsh on myself but its for a good reason. I don't look after myself so in turn don't really look after those I'm close to. I'm make terrible jokes about other peoples misfortune. Everyone and everything annoys me, well not all the time but at least once and that goes for all of you. Even if i have never met you at least at one point you have pissed me off. But I imagine everyone feels that way.
9. I'm not jealous of your success I just don't want to hear about it. You tell me you have done well at something I'm happy for you, honestly I am. But if someone introduces them self with a list of there accomplishments then they can go to hell. "hi I'm Steve and I'm the youngest area manager in my company" my response is "Hi I'm Jon i bet i can eat a whole pizza before you". This is why I don't care who wins The Apprentice, all of them just seem to be pretentious cunts.
There is more but I'm really tired after having some drinks 2 nights a go some I'm going to go back to bed.
Thursday, 27 January 2011
McDonalds will change your life, I promise
My day started as normal waking up an hour before i needed to and feeling very pissed off about it. After checking my e-mail then playing Bejeweled on facebook for a while It was time to wake up and start the day. My boss text me asking me to start as early as I could, I text back saying I had missed the first bus but as soon as I could get there I would. Skip forward half an hour, I'm waiting for the bus and oddly it arrives on time not the customary 10 minuets late. The journey is a standard affair and I get in to Tonbridge 25 minuets later. This is when I found out McDonald's can seriously affect your life.
If you have never had a McDonald's breakfast, please put aside your fear and doubt and just dive in as they can be delicious, granted they can also be disgusting but somethings are worth the risk. I order my usual a double sausage and egg Mcmuffin meal with a hot chocolate drink. All the meal comes to me quickly as you would expect from a fast food chain except the hash brown. Due to the smallest miscommunication they where not put in to the friar so I have to wait about a minuet the food comes to me and I go. I walk to the station and miss my train by 30 seconds.
Not to worry the next train will be there in 5 minuets, but watch out I forget that days that have the letter Y in them will always cause south eastern to have issues and my next train is delayed by 10 minuets. I sit at the station and eat my breakfast, I sit and wonder that this could be the defining moment of my life, simply because some guy forgot to put the hash browns in. I get to work late and the day is pretty shit, we are under staffed due to illness and the manager gets about half a second to himself , plus there is always the issue that I work in Tunbridge Wells and the average customer is a bit of a twat except for when the legend Tom Baker came in but that's only happened the once. So the day was not great and pretty stressful on the plus side it was probably the best McDonald's breakfast I've ever had.
If you have never had a McDonald's breakfast, please put aside your fear and doubt and just dive in as they can be delicious, granted they can also be disgusting but somethings are worth the risk. I order my usual a double sausage and egg Mcmuffin meal with a hot chocolate drink. All the meal comes to me quickly as you would expect from a fast food chain except the hash brown. Due to the smallest miscommunication they where not put in to the friar so I have to wait about a minuet the food comes to me and I go. I walk to the station and miss my train by 30 seconds.
Not to worry the next train will be there in 5 minuets, but watch out I forget that days that have the letter Y in them will always cause south eastern to have issues and my next train is delayed by 10 minuets. I sit at the station and eat my breakfast, I sit and wonder that this could be the defining moment of my life, simply because some guy forgot to put the hash browns in. I get to work late and the day is pretty shit, we are under staffed due to illness and the manager gets about half a second to himself , plus there is always the issue that I work in Tunbridge Wells and the average customer is a bit of a twat except for when the legend Tom Baker came in but that's only happened the once. So the day was not great and pretty stressful on the plus side it was probably the best McDonald's breakfast I've ever had.
Sunday, 2 January 2011
Head phones are natures invisibility cloaks
Cinema time again and today was the time for Tron Legacy. If you wanted a one word review its Murghh, the first act is good enough and suggest alot of potential but it quickly drifts in to mediocrity, shame really. As for the 3D I still found myself dissapointed as with all 3D films i've seen in the cinema (apart from Avatar) the best parts seem to be the trailers for other movies. All round bit of a let down. I have to wonder why it is that my two favourite movies of 2010 I didnt see in the cinema, the amazingly funny The Other guys and the beautifuly odd Scott Pillgrim yet I manage to make time to see these easily forgetable movies. O well.
The title from this blog comes from some wonderful observations over the years and that is that with head phones in your ears people speak freely around you and 99% of the time they leave you alone. So even if your not actually listening to anything people will assume you are and feel very happy to talk about there possible pregnancy from a one night stand. Its fun what you can over hear, you can also listen in to idiots chatting about stupid things. Here is one conversation I was lucky enough to over hear. Three men stand at a bus stop and they quickly establish themself as being unemployed mostly doe to the fact that they have combined IQ of a field mouse and partly because they are disscusng there last trip to the job centre. The leader of the pack starts perking up about how the unemployed arent the real issue costing this country millions and its mostly down to Brussels taking a million pounds a day, wonderfully idiot two asks if Brussels is in England. to which idiot one replies ofcourse its not, its in Europe in Germany. I think this conversation can't get any better untill idiot one perks again saying what was the point in winning world war two just so we have to pay the germans a million pounds a day. This whole time idiot three stares out with a blank look on his face which suggested to me that even this retarded conversation was way to deep for him and that he really wanted to get back home to ITV 1, a TV channel for idiots. You may have guessed already that this all took place in Tonbridge, Kent. A place recently described as Englands fourth greyest town.
Well thats all I can be bothered to write, go away.
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